| you never know just what you have until you get it yanked out of your chest... |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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[27 Jul 2009|12:22pm] |
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i take back everything i said in the previous entry. sometimes the way people treat you is no reflection on you. this is one of those times. some people just have an incurable amount of suck flowing through their veins and its highly contagious. he was one of those people. turns out, i'm still pretty awesome. that was a close one.
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[15 Jul 2009|10:01pm] |
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as cities burn, pirate blues |
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so this is it. this is the part that everyone always warns you about. the part where you realize how messed up you are. the smoke has cleared, the dust has settled, and you're taking your first glimpse of the wreckage. you retreat into your shell and involuntarily push people away but kick yourself for it thirty seconds later.
i don't feel like i've been myself lately. i'm in a weird funk where i'm still learning to exist as a single person and i'm second guessing my every move and over-analyzing everyone else's. i need to find a way to shake this off. i need to relax, enjoy the moment, and take things at face value. i can't let this ruin me. i can say with 100% sincerity that i believe that i'm an amazing girl. i just haven't been letting other people see that as of late. my confidence in every day situations feels completely shot. i've been too anxious and lost in my own thoughts. i keep hoping that eventually i'll just take a really deep breath, exhale, and suddenly be over it.
as a result, i'm forcing someone really special out of my life and its frustrating because i'm not who i've been the past few weeks. i'm selling myself short and i need to cut the shit. readddyyy.... go.
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| end hiatus. |
[08 Jun 2009|12:17am] |
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cold war kids, hang me up to dry |
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i'm sinking deep into summer and picking up all the pieces. i feel brand new. i've been handed this perfectly blank slate which thus far has been filled with: realizing the number of people who are there for me, a new appreciation for my family, new friends, picnics in the commons, being harassed for a living, late night walks, drunken saves the day sing-a-longs, sitting in on band practices in revere, the view of the boston skyline at night on drives home from said practices, watching sunsets from the BU bridge, a nose ring, spending quality time with my sketch book, having ideas again, lengthy discussions about the meanings of my favorite movies, lengthy discussions about the meaning of everything, dying of laughter while watching the ridiculous astrologer on demand, trying new foods, staying in/regaining touch, ridiculous nicknames, reading all things dan brown, getting made fun of for my connecticut accent?, wasting tons of time laying in bed, cheesy horror movie marathons, sleeping in really random places, dodging tourists, acquiring a true blood addiction, being broke, making plans anyway.
so there it is. the verbal snapshot of my life as of late. the best part is, i still have three months left and i already want to bottle up this summer and keep it forever.
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[18 Apr 2009|11:09am] |
i'm sick and i just need to sleep but i still can't. i haven't really in a week. thats probably how i got to this point. all the songs that used to sing me to sleep keep me awake.
that said, i'm not going to talk about what happened. i feel like summing our relationship up in one definitive live journal entry, conversation, etc., would be cheap. it was so much more to me than that. i'm not going to advertise my sadness all over the internet but just because its not apparent not in my facebook status doesn't mean i'm not feeling it. and i'm sick of people, some of my best friends included, reading the things i post on the internet to make assumptions about my emotional state. i'm sick of being a topic of interest just because i'm going through a break up. so i'm letting this be my one digital emotional outpouring because i know that the only people who read this are people that i'm fairly close to and i feel that i owe those people somewhat of an explanation. i'm totally run down. i'm sick, i'm tired, i'm sad, i'm scared, i'm lonely. but i need to keep moving. (as soon as i get myself unsick.) i'm going to be kind of absent from livejournal and the internet in general. it just makes me sad and forces me to dwell on things. so i guess that's kind of the point of this entry. i need to drop off the grid a bit. i'm not exiling myself, i also need more face time with people. call me, text me, hang out with me. i just don't like this awkward culture the internet has created that forces/encourages people to deal with their problems publicly. and as melodramatic as i can be, when something really truly bothers me, i don't want it all over the place and i don't want to have to explain myself to people who mean nothing to me. expressing annoyance or disappointment is one thing but i don't need everyone to see how beaten down i am. it just feels wrong. see you in real life.
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[10 Apr 2009|06:58pm] |
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for a second i thought i should go put my phone on the charger and then i realized it didn't matter because no one was trying to contact me.
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[05 Apr 2009|04:51pm] |
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sincerely me, new found glory |
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i should be doing homework but my internal clock moves a lot faster than northeastern university's academic calendar. its already summer where i am.
i've had that craziest week as far as interacting with people goes. on tuesday i was wondering around newbury street between classes. i went into johnny cupcakes to check it out, and i was the only person in there so the two guys in there just started talking to me. we traded tattoo stories and such. long story short, i have a job interview there next week? haha. this other girl walked in half way through and was walking out at the same time i was. it turned out she also went to northeastern, lives off campus, and has the same awkward gaps in her schedule that i do. we were both walking back to campus and we had a good conversation and exchanged numbers and all that. on thursday i was in the bathroom at the library and i was wearing my dillinger escape plan hoodie and this girl was like "i love your sweatshirt. i don't mean to be creepy. i've just seen you wearing it around campus and i wanted to talk to you because i don't know many girls that like them. oh by the way. my name is carrie, i'm their manager." so we talked for a while and i'm probably going to do some promo for them around boston in exchange for free shows. i also might be doing the same thing for the middle east. on friday i went with my roommate's band to their show in keene. everyone there was super friendly and it was a cool vibe. i saw aaron for the first time in forever. i'm not sure whats going on. maybe people are finally in a good mood again after freezing their asses off for months? i like it.
other positives include finally seeing jimmy eat world last night and hearing all my favorite songs, my new macbook, my quest for the perfect smoothie, doing the album art for this metal band from northeastern, annndd my schedule for next semester:
MONDAY:
11:45-12:50, color 1
1:35-2:40, art and design history before 1400
5:45-6:50, 3D tools
TUESDAY:
11:35-5:05, 3D foundation
WEDNESDAY:
no classssssss
THURSDAY:
8:00-11:35, 2D foundation
11:45-12:50, 2D tools
1:35-2:40, art and design history before 1400
now all i have to do is get through the next two weeks.
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| yeah, cause these city lights are too much for you alone. |
[28 Mar 2009|11:48pm] |
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lydia, stay awake |
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"If everyone else in the world wants to listen to neon-pop or hipster-dance music … that’s fine … I can turn the volume up loud enough to drown you out." -jason tate (manchester orchestra, "mean everything to nothing" album review)
i realize that physically, i probably channel someone who listens to neon-pop and/or hipster dance music butttt that's irrelevant. this whole shift into that trend in the underground music scene is obnoxious and i'm sooo excited for this album. anyone who hasn't checked out the new videos should. its going to be the next "tell all your friends." calling it.
with that said, i'm so happy to be in love with music again. i've been to a ton of shows lately, including an epic dropkick murphys experience in which i only left the pit to go on stage for "kiss me i'm shitfaced." and i'm just all around feeling more and more like i belong in my own skin with every day since i've decided to start my life over.
i should be tackling my massive pile of homework right now but procrastination has been getting the best of me worse than ever lately. i'm totally crapping out now that its the end of the semester. it also seems that i can't really get anything done unless i'm in a this specific coffee shop for some reason. i don't know what they're pumping through that place, but i'm a machine whenever i'm there and i absolutely cannot work anywhere else now. i'll get up early tomorrow and go there.
the only downside to life lately is this weird lonely feeling i have. i'm used to always being around at least one person that i'm really close to. i have fun with my friends that are around but i've been lacking in real conversations. i miss having someone be there and having a close group of friends. my boyfriend is in connecticut, my roommate that i was particularly close to doesn't really live here anymore, my best friend from home is always home, molly and i have to plan around all the shit and our lives months in advance, and all my other best friends are in new haven. it kind of just makes everything feel really empty i guess. and i'm not entirely sure that there's anything i can do to fix it.
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[19 Mar 2009|05:12pm] |
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fugazi, 13 songs |
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i realize that a lot of people value the ability to keep smiling even when the whole world is crumbling around you. i also realize that i don't value that at all. in fact, i'm coming to realize that it makes me kind of uncomfortable. i don't know how to deal with people who only have one emotion and i think its a terrible way to live. its dishonest. just saying.
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| bam. |
[15 Mar 2009|02:19pm] |
so this is my roommate's band's music video. it was filmed in our apartment by one of my other roommates. there was a lot of controversy over the concept so in the end, it ended up being kind of mediocre in my opinion. but i still think the song is awesome and the video is really well done. i make a few brief appearances. any time you can see a yellow hat, thats me. haha. also the room behind the drummer/that the singer and "his girlfriend" are fighting in is mine. the bassist (red jacket, big glasses) is my roommate.
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| one of the better movie quotes in a while... |
[11 Mar 2009|01:59pm] |
Thom: You just haven't figured it out yet, have you?
Nick: What?
Thom: ...The big picture!
Nick: I guess not.
Thom: The Beatles.
Nick: What about them?
Thom: This.
[grabs Nick's hand]
Thom: Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The first single. It's effing brilliant, right?... That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.
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[07 Mar 2009|11:33pm] |
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gatsby's american dream, the dragon of pendor |
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once again, i need to update more frequently. or maybe i don't because i do roughly the same thing every week.
with the exception of this week, since it was spring break.
i started out my break with a trip to uconn to visit eddie that was cut short by the snow storm. then most of my week was spent at bar tending school, which turned out to be quite a bit harder than it sounds. the people in my class kind of sucked and kept making fun of my moccasins? of all the things to make fun of me for, thats what they pick? anyway. i got to hang out with rimma once, and alley another night. thursday molly and i went to see brand new and the dear hunter at URI. we totally missed the dear hunter and then we were really bummed because the show was in an arena and no one in our section was standing. so we stood anyway. no one followed our lead so we moved and held hands and sang obnoxiously loud and everything was better.
last night i went to two basement shows in lower allston by accident. my friend byan's band was playing at one and he told me to meet him there. so i google mapped my way there. it was a five minute walk. seemed easy enough. that part about google maps was key, though. it lead me in the exact opposite direction of the show. i went in a huge circle and ended up at the hess station down the road from me. i asked the guy how to get to ashford street and a girl behind me was like, "are you going to the show?!" i told her i was and she invited me to follow her and her friends. we get to the show... on ashford terrace...and i say "i thought the show was on ashford street." and she insisted that no, this was the only show in the area that night. (turns out there were about five or so.) so i go through the kitchen and down the stairs, just like bryan said. i descend into the basement and get slapped in the face by an odor that can only be compared to what it might smell like if someone crapped in a dirty gym sock and put it in the microwave. there are topless girls all
over the place. not to mention boys that look like girls and tons of leather pants and spikes. everyone was grabbing at me/everyone else. i hate bryan for a while for a. giving me the wrong address, and b. even booking a show in this place. when i call him to tell him i'm there i realize that the music in the background does not match up with the music where i was. so i head back out in search of ashford STREET. once i finally got there, the vibes were much better and less smelly. everyone there was really cool/funny/easy to talk to. the show itself was a blast. there was a smoke machine and a circle pit around the pillars in the basement. the night started out like a bad dream but in the end i had a really good time. i couldn't have asked for much more out of a free show in some random berklee kids' house.
today i wandered the city because it was nice out. i bought some records and underwear in the process.
in general, i'm still feeling pretty good about life. i'm really struggling to force myself to participate in the rest of the semester since i switched my major. the warmer weather is making everything a little easier though.
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| surprise surprise.... |
[21 Feb 2009|10:48am] |
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four year strong, catastrophe |
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so... funny thing about the music industry... turns out its a truly evil place. seeing as i'm not huge on the idea of exploiting half-naked teenage girls for a living, i'm done with it.
i'll save you the lengthy details of how this came to be, but i was accepted to northeastern's school of art+design (yes, they really use the "+" in the title.)on probationary terms last week. meaning they have to review my portfolio at the end of next semester and make sure i'm not a fuck up, i guess.
people always said "you should do something with your art." "why aren't you applying to art school?" and i didn't listen because i was seventeen, art was really familiar, and i had a chance to start over and be something else. so i went for it and i haven't felt quite like myself since. i haven't gotten below a 3.9 since starting college, i got a decent internship my first semester as a sophomore and no matter how many times my family would tell me they were proud of me, i was never proud of me. the only time i've ever been genuinely proud of anything i've done is when i paint/draw/ physically create something. and lets be honest, its the only thing in the world that i'm any good at. i spent the last week flip flopping and scrambling to figure out what my actual major would be before fall registration next week. i decided that even though my primary focus has always been more on studio art type things that i really wanted to be able to work as an artist. not a teacher, not a curator, not anything else. so i decided on graphic design. and now here i am.
i feel 200% better just having made this decision. i feel like i act differently and people i'm close to said they can hear it in my voice. and by different i mean the same as i was before all of this, but with more motivation. that said, music sounds so good again. i never would have admitted it but its really easy to become disenchanted with music in general as a music industry major. my friends and i have talked about it and you hear everything differently and you can't just enjoy it. sometimes you get so sick of involuntarily analyzing things that you just have to turn it off. you don't have time to go to shows and you start looking at the people you meet as "connex" instead of friends. i think that was another reason i was feeling so much less like myself. music was always, and still is a huge part of my life but all the things i ever loved about it were gone. i couldn't just lay on my bed and listen to music, take it all in, and just love it for a how pretty it was. i couldn't go to shows regularly and just talk to people and enjoy the energy and sense of community. i'm so excited to go back to being a clueless fangirl. i don't even care.
anddd so i continue on in my usual fashion of learning everything the hard way. i don't regret a thing, though. i never have to wonder if this could have worked for me and trying to fit into a different mold has really made me appreciate what i actually am. i'm done making big plans. i think about where i was a year ago and i'm so far from where i thought i would be now. things play out how they're going to play out regardless. i'm just going to base my decisions on what feels right and i'm going to work as hard as possible and hope that thats enough. cool things only really ever happen by accident anyway.
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| you can call me when you're bored and i'll sing low over the telephone. |
[07 Feb 2009|10:52am] |
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dear and the headlights, sweet talk |
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lately i've been bombarded with all these songs, sounds, and smells from roughly this time last year. its creepy how easily those things can bring you right back to where you were. all of the images in my head and the feelings are exactly the same as the they were the first time around. a lot of the songs we all used to sing have been popping up all over the place. and the ones i was obsessed with at that point. when i was at cvs i caught a whiff of the shampoo i used to use. what really made me realize it was the seagulls outside my window yesterday. usually i never see them around here but last year they pretty much chased me to class everyday. maybe a visit would help me get my head on straight? is it weird to feel homesick for a place you only lived for a year and had such a love/hate relationship with?
anyway. tonight we're having a ton of people over because my roommate's band is playing in the living room and we're getting more footage for their video. right now i'm going to go run some errands all over the city because weather.com tells me its going to be a whopping 41 degrees today.
all of this kind of makes me wonder what things are eventually going to make me homesick for right now. i feel like if i knew, i'd enjoy them a lot more.
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| everybody's doing it. |
[24 Jan 2009|01:36pm] |
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two tongues, if i could make you do things |
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I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a Self-Knowing Self-Improving Extrovert
i think thats true?
wednesday was the worst day i've had in a long time. my power had been on and off for the past three days. but mostly off. it had gone off over the night and my phone, which is my alarm, was not charged and therefore died causing me to wake up late for class. i had to hurry up and organize all my stuff/get dress in the dark, run to the train, only for it to break down as soon as i got on. so in order to get to school i had to take a bus and two random trains. one of which was really packed and smelly. some little boy looked at his dad and announced that he had just pooped. thats when it all came together. once i got to school i sprinted across campus thinking i had a quiz i was late for. when i got there no one else was there. i plugged in my computer and realized i had gotten an email from my teacher canceling class from the night before. but i'd have no way of knowing that because my power was out from five till midnight and my computer battery was done. i didn't have class until 2:50 and it was 9:30 but i wasn't about to go back to my apartment and sit in the dark so i got some homework done and went to register for my summer piano class. turns out it had more than tripled in price. needless to say that won't be happening. i got some food, did more work, and went to class. after class i went to get a haircut. or should i say, hair massacre. what was supposed to be a trim kind of turned into a mullet. i went home to eat, take a shower and planned to devote the rest of the night to trying to figure out a way to make it work for the next couple of months. my chicken burned to a crisp and as soon as i got out of the shower the power went off again, i tripped and fell over my back pack and sat in the middle of my room and had a mini break down.
but i feel better than excellent now. make sense of that.
this has something to do with it: www.myspace.com/twotonguesrock you absolutely can't go wrong with chris conley max bemis.
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| stranded in the student center. |
[21 Jan 2009|11:08am] |
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weak man, good old war |
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so i'm back from an unintentional livejournal hiatus. it was probably for the best. i can't verbalize the past few months. i could recap all the things that have happened, but i can't. we'll just start with a snapshot of right now. i finally feel adjusted. i'm able to take care of my school work, things around the apartment, my job, and most importantly myself while still finding time to be happy. granted it is only the beginning of the semester, but i just feel i have a better handle on my life.
i may or may not be recovering from my quarter life crisis. long story short... through my internship i met a lot of people who took care of me, taught me a lot, gave me great advice, and who i came to look up to a lot. within that span of time i also saw these people get screwed over royally and lay down and die. thats how the music industry works in general. you have to fuck everyone else before they fuck you. i don't have that in me and i was ready to lay down and die too. i was ready to reroute my entire life. but i was also never one to become jaded by my own experiences, never mind other people's and all of i sudden i had lost that. and maybe that was the real crisis. in conclusion, i think i'm going to stick with it. the music industry needs more good people.
however, there is still the matter of my realizing how old i am. its creepy. people i grew up with are living in the real world. kids i went to high school with are making babies and getting married. eddie can order beer when we go out to eat. i still feel just the same. i'm glad for that, its just a huge reality check i guess.
right now my eyes are just set on spending the longest summer of my life in boston with nothing to worry about. that makes all the crazy things i deal with seem so much smaller.
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[22 Dec 2008|10:38pm] |
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i think i'm having a quater life crisis.
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[30 Nov 2008|12:56am] |
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my brother just came in my room and asked, "what time is mom bringing you back home tomorrow?" it sounded weird to me at first but then i realized that it was true.
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| non-rant. |
[23 Nov 2008|10:34am] |
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la dispute, damaged goods |
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i shouldn't be awake right now considering i'm really sick and i didn't fall asleep till four. i got home from my internship and had to help with the shooting of my roommate's band's music video. i'm in it but you can't tell because i'm wearing a bunny suit.
wwww.myspace.com/radiofixband the video is for kill this low. i'll post it when its done.
also i'm dating this boy whose in this band. www.myspace.com/sleepwell band. because it wouldn't be fair to plug one and not the other.
anyway. i did that and i woke up for my internship at nine to be there for ten thirty and i was still dying so i called out. i really didn't have much of a choice. i've been sick for a week(semester). i got better midweek and then our heat and hot water broke for two days and i think the cold made it resurface. either way, i woke up at nine and had to call out and couldn't even get back to sleep because i'm coughing so much. i feel really guilty about it too. all i can think about are those countless america's next top model marathons i had to sit through last year where the judges are like, "oh really, the bird flu? you think thats a legitimate excuse not to come to work? you obviously do not want this. ELIMINATED!" i'm not trying to be a model, but you get it.
despite all the torture, i have done some pretty cool things since i last updated. i saw envy on the coast, i am the avalanche, and minus the bear. all of which were amazing. dave visited last weekend and i went to my first boston haahd-core show with him and bryan which was a lot of fun. we saw vanna and ligeia and it was so intense. byran played guitar on vanna's last song and dave had some epic stage dives. i crowd surfed and got tossed onto the stage right onto my tailbone. but all in all, still good time. i can completely understand why kids get so into that scene. however, the highlight thus far was by without a doubt seeing the smashing pumpkins 20th anniversary tour. the theater we saw them in was fucking beautiful. it was very neoclassical and it was just... melancholy and the infinite sadness in theater form. i think that really added to it. aside from that, the smashing pumpkins were the smashing pumpkins. billy corgan was shredding and wearing a skirt and i got to see 1979 played live. almost died.
other than that, i'm just trying to get healthy and am looking forward to going home and having my whole family together..and real food. my cooking skills have not improved in the slightest. i'm also going to drive around until i can't drive anymore. i just learned how low gas prices are yesteday because i live in a bubble and i pretty much never see a gas station.
also if you're still with me and you like mewithoutyou, every time i die, concept albums, and the idea of having them all at once check out la dispute's new album. its called "somewhere at the bottom of the river between vega and altair" and i have not been able to stop streaming it since i put myself in quarantine and haven't actually left my apartment to go get it. its the first new album to come out that i've been able to get really really idon'twanttostoplisteningtothis into in a while. i think its refreshing because living in allston rock city is starting to make me hate dance/electronic music a little bit. i need the real thing.
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| collect a couple forks, hold them three feet apart, wait for lightening to strike to burn me up... |
[21 Nov 2008|04:00pm] |
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saves the day, see you |
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i hate northeastern. its a really good school, the programs are excellent, the teachers are pretty good, and there are so many opportunities there.
HOWEVER...
i'm entirely out of my league and no one gets it. i'm sick of getting shit on by them. i'm sorry my dad doesn't own sony music and therefore i have to work, intern, and live a million miles off campus in order to keep my head above water but the least they could do is not make it any harder than it already is. they're making me pay for three extra classes that i don't even need for my degree because i'll only be one class away from graduating my last semester there but they don't allow part time students. so i have to take three more classes just so they don't kick me out. and i can't just take the extra class in the semester before that because they don't allow that either? when i was freaking out about this my adviser just said "so its another semester. no big deal." when i told her it was a big deal because i had to pay for it myself she just stared blankly and shrugged. then when i registered for next semester i got ONE of the classes i wanted because they even let freshmen register before transfers. but i managed to figure things out so that i would still only have to go to school three days a week and could devote the other days to work and intern things. aside from that i have an hour commute that i'd rather do as infrequently as possible. i had everything set except one class that so many other transfers got fucked out of that they had to make a new section of. this new section is from eight to eleven AM on the two days that i had left open in order to do other things/sleep/not die. oh and not to mention that small matter of a typo on my financial aid statement that led me to believe that i had two times the financial aid they're actually giving me. fuck you.
that said, i recently realized that i need to take better care of myself. its a pretty basic concept but i've been neglecting it. i've been so busy that i don't sleep and eat shitty food, or nothing at all. i'm always sick and i'm starting to develop real health problems. i went to health services this week and i'm anemic but i've gained a ton of weight at the same time. i have to go back next month for all these tests. i feel like hell and its completely not worth it. one extra day a week to catch my breath would be ideal. something needs to change. i can't do this anymore. i have to ease up on myself.
to start, i got myself a present ( yesterday. )
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| this probably about as political as i'm ever going to get.... |
[08 Nov 2008|12:20am] |
so since everyone is posting about the election i figured i'd contribute by providing a little update on things in massachusetts since that's where i'm actually registered to vote.
dog racing is illegal and marijuana has been decriminalized. my apartment building has been a cloud of smoke ever since.
i missed a huge riot in copley square on election night by a half hour. i'm pretty devastated about it. apparently thousands of college kids were jumping into the reflecting pool in the christian science plaza. i walked right by it on my way home from work and it must have all gone down right after. between this and the rays beating the red sox i'm beginning to wonder if i'll ever get my riot. i've been waiting for one since i got here. someone needs to make it happen.
i do plan on updating about life once i've gotten enough sleep to make sense of it all. the insanity may or may not be letting up. i don't want to jinx myself.
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xx44caliberlove's journal
